We're a lively little town of about 700 people on the banks of the
lazy Wabash River. Block parties, American Legion, church suppers, fish fries, street dances, great restaurants & shops, art galore, oh, and the soaring white Richard Meier Atheneum visitors' center and Philip Johnson's Roofless Church.
All in all, the best bunch of can-do people you could ever imagine.
But now we need your help. After nearly a century of chiming the hours, our
old Seth Thomas clock tower in the heart of New Harmony, IN, has fallen silent.
We miss its voice...
The clock
needs help. Lots of it—more than $16,000 to get it going again and to
train us to keep it ticking.
Remember
that shot in the movie "A League of Their Own," when Marla whacks the
ball right through a window in her tryout for the team? That's the old
Ribeyre Gym, with the clock in its tower.
'Got the time' to help us??
We’ve already raised $7,000—not bad for a town of 700 people—but we need more. We need your help.
That's where the GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI comes in.
Currently
lurking
in the Utopian Community Garden in New Harmony, the monster squash is
donating itself to the cause, with all proceeds going to the clock
fund.
New Harmony was a
Utopian community back in the 1800s, and we still like to think of it
that way (yeah, we laugh at ourselves, too). (Want to see more about
our cool little town? Visit www.newharmony.biz)
If you've ever been
to New Harmony to stroll the tree-lined streets, have fun at the
festivals, regain a sense of spiritual peace, or maybe even film a
Hollywood movie, PLEASE, PITCH IN! Every bid will help bring the clock
back. And then, next time you visit, you too can listen to those
friendly chimes, especially at night when the gentle tolling of the hours is pure magic.
If
you're the lucky winner, you'll have the option of actually receiving
the squash (free shipping; no guarantee of condition upon arrival), or
of choosing to have the zuke released into the wild.
If
you choose catch-and-release, we'll even carve your name on it before
we set it free. And we'll document the expedition in pictures that
we'll happily send to you.
Thanks a million! And don't forget--- We'd love to see you in New Harmony ... any time!On Sep-01-09 at 11:40:08 PDT, seller added the following information:
HEY,
ZUCCHINI FRIENDS AND FANS! We've just found out that is, gulp, against
the law to mail a zucchini, even if it is a GIANT UTOPIAN ZUKE. (Always
wondered why our friendly postmaster here in New Harmony asks "Is it
fragile, liquid, or perishable?" when I lug a box of rocks down to
mail!) Since *of course* we want to be law-abiding good citizens, not
to mention we're not real fond of the federal 'pen,' we HEREBY REVISE
THE FREE DELIVERY part of the auction:
SORRY, but the zuke will
not be shipped to you. If you don't choose the catch-and-release
option, well, you'll just have to come here in person to get it. Don't
worry, that's not as bad as it sounds---we'll equip you with a fine
machete for self-defense, and we'll stand ready to keep the zuke under
control with our gardening implements while you enjoy the pride of
harvesting it. Or we can sever it from the vine for you, if you prefer.
AND!!
As far as getting yourself to New Harmony, we're working hard to come
up with a cockamamie scheme, I mean a GRAND PLAN, to get you here so
you don't have to shell out one more thin dime beyond your generous
auction-winning bid. *checks listing; whew, it doesn't say
International* We're a little short on yachts and private jets, so
we're thinking more along the lines of goat cart or little red wagon,
maybe, since our wallets are a little anemic these days. Check this
listing for more details as we figure them out.
BUT!! Once you
come to New Harmony to claim your prize (which we promise to keep in as
fine a fettle as possible until then), we will treat you like the
visiting royalty you are! A place to stay, the best of southern Indiana
food and drink, and all the Utopian harmony you can soak up---it all
awaits you and the companion of your choice (human only, please). YES!
That's right, this offer is GOOD FOR TWO PEOPLE to luxuriate in a 100%
absolutely free 1-night stay in wonderful New Harmony. Why, we may even
put on a party for you. Or pretend that some event we're already having
is in your honor. Or maybe we will get all of our fine dining
establishments in town to carve up the zuke and vie with each other to
create the most enticing Giant Utopian Zucchini dishes! Whatever we
finally manage to get pulled together, we can guarantee one thing:
Everyone will love you for your party in restoring our clock!
So
don't let a silly little thing like not actually receiving the actual
GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI via the U.S. post office stop you. Just
think---you can feel the warm glow of gratitude IN PERSON. Why, you can
even come up with your own plan for getting rid of, I mean, for
savoring your Prize Squash.
And of course, if you prefer, you
can always choose the option of receiving documentation of the harvest
and celebration in pictures, which we *can* mail you. We promise to
harvest it humanely, of course, and keep it very happy until the moment
of its... shhh, we won't speak that part aloud. In fact, right now, a
wonderful member of our community, Molly Felder, of the international
recording artists "Swan Dive," is out in the Patch, serenading the very
contented GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI with her sweet voice and happy ukelele.
On Sep-01-09 at 13:59:11 PDT, seller added the following information:
AND ONE MORE THING!!!
A TAX BREAK! But only if you win or donate (sorry, can't help you with paying for that little island in the Caribbean).
Why, you ask?
Because
the clock is under the auspices of the Ribeyre Gym Restoration Group
(we call it the RGRG, which has a nice, wait for it, "ring" to it). And
the RGRG is an OFFICIAL 501(c)3 corporation or organization or
something. Which means every penny of your bid/donation is TAX
DEDUCTIBLE. Just write that nice fat number on line 657 of your income
tax return, right where it says "Charitable contributions." At least, I
think that's how it works. But don't take my word for it; talk to your
tax preparer or read the 6-zillion-page instruction book with your tax
form.
Our fine friends at eBay suggested we add a picture of the
501(c)3. Probably so you wouldn't have to take our word for it. Not
that you might have any reason not to trust us or anything. It's that
legal-looking document in the auction pictures. Please, take a minute
to admire Indiana's official state seal, featuring a buffalo, which run
rampant around here. Man, you think it's tough keeping a vegetable like
the GIANT ZUKE watered, you should try protecting it from the buffalo
herds that stampede through the Patch.
OH, AND speaking of
trust, we've added a couple of other pics, too, to help you get an idea
of just how big the GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI is. What do you mean, they
look a little fake?! That's one 100% authentic ZUKE there, no doubt
about it!
On Sep-03-09 at 14:53:22 PDT, seller added the following information:
PAR-TEEE!
Oh,
boy, we just got a great sign (a rainbow! no kidding!) (Manly men, get
out there and apply the fungicide! HURRY! This thing rots,
we're---Oh... Hi, eBayers!), what were we saying, oh, yes,
It's
time ("time," heh heh) to let you know exactly what UTOPIAN DELIGHTS
are in store for you when you, the Lucky Winner, and your guest come to
New Harmony, Indiana, to claim your GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI! Here you
go, it's the official
LIST OF ENTICEMENTS*!
* Note that this is just the beginning. We will update the list daily. Or whenever we remember. Also, VERY IMPORTANT----NOTE
that all or any of these offers may or may not be valid by the time you
actually get here. But we'll scrape up something, don't worry!
Okay,
so Greyhound turned us down flat on our suggestion that they offer free
tickets. We're still hoping they'll reconsider, and we're still working
on other (very slim chance) options. But you may want to start
hitchhiking just as soon as you place your final impulsive over-the-top
auction fever bid.
And, now, *excited pause, to heighten the drama*, the Bribes, uh, ENTICEMENTS:
1. Margaret and Rich offer you the chance to walk their dog
around Murphy Park. Since said dog is a corgi, you may also choose the
"dress the dog as a zucchini" option. Or dress the Giant Zuke as a
corgi. It's up to you! 2. John and Bessie, make that the Revs. John and Bessie, offer to show you the airplane
John is building in their garage. What a beauty! And we're not just
saying that because the fuselage bears a striking resemblance to a
zucchini. 3. Docey offers a zuke breakfast for two,
in a lovely, romantic back porch setting. Or maybe she'll let you eat
at the dining room table, if you ask politely and promise not to dtop
any crumbs. 4. Not to be outdone, Jeannette offers a zuke omelette, prepared in her special way. That'd be a boil-in-bag omelette, and yes, she's serious. 5. Peggy and George offer fresh zuke canapes,
sliced fancy with one of those things you use to get the french fries
with the groovy sides, none of us can think of the name. George will
season the zuke slices himself, with his secret ingredient: Jane's
Crazy Salt. 6. Two sisters, Caroline Dale (the elder) and Caroline Dale (the younger), will bend your ear with the true story of how two sisters ended up with the exact same name. 7. Speaking of true stories, Clay, one of our best fishermen, even though he's still a young man, will tell you the tale of his Giant Utopian Catfish. Unfortunately, you can't see the fish for yourself; Clay says they "already filleted it." 8. Susan will read you her original poem, "Ode to a Pickle," or something like that. (Note: this fine work is rated PG. Or maybe R.) 9. Travis, one of our fine younger generation, was the first to offer a ride on his golf cart,
to the destination of your choice within our 8 square blocks. No, you
can't bring your stereo with the subwoofers along on the ride. (*parenthetical
info* Have we mentioned yet that New Harmony is a golf cart community?
We even have an official sign at the entrance to town saying that,
because we were tired of scraping up golf carts that got flattened when
one of those big wheat combines rolled through town. Well, now you
know, and I can see you getting all excited at the thought, so let's
get on with the enticements. (Okay, I'll wait til you get a grip.
What's so funny about golf carts!?) ) 10. Lora, owner of the White House Restaurant, offers a ride on the Fastest Golf Cart in town. Whooee! Hang on to your creme brulee! We just hit 6 mph! 11. Ron, Suzanne, and Honey Sue offer the use of their golf cart for up to THREE WHOLE DAYS. If you seem trustworthy. 12. Connie, head of Historic New Harmony, offers TWO NIGHTS ACCOMMODATION at the historic Scholars House. (You do know scholars generally sleep on a pallet, right?) 13. Connie also offers an incredible, unique opportunity: Stargazing
from the roof of the Atheneum, our soaring white Richard Meier-designed
visitors center (the very blurry far-away pic on this auction). At
least, I think she said the roof. Maybe it was the lawn. 14. Connie also offers (hey, Connie, I'm starting to feel like my offering might not measure up) another unique experience: a midnight walk at two different labyrinths.
One's an exact replica of the one on the floor of the Chartres
Cathedral, which I'm sure you're already bored with. So try the other
one: It's a hedge labyrinth, and at midnight, it could be a really
exciting walk, what with our local catamounts and all. 15. When
you've eaten all the boil-in-bag zuke omelettes and fancy-cut zuke
canapes you can handle, our New York boy, Marty, offers to make you a chicken parm hero for a change of pace. 16.
And just to totally cleanse your palate of the fine flavor of zucchini,
Brenda and Steve offer to fry up some fish. That'd be local fish, right
out of the Wabash. Mmm, nothin' like tender, flaky white, fresh fried catfish. Unless it's, yes, the zucchini side dishes that Brenda's probably fixing right now. 17. Rosie offers a glass of fresh carrot juice. The perfect vintage to go with that yummy catfish. 18. Sally offers to act as very unreliable lookout while you snitch persimmons from a tree in town. And then give you a chaser of chocolate zucchini cake. 19. Speaking of chasers, Tom says he'll buy you a beer.
A *good* beer. And he should know. Maybe he'll even let you watch the
game. As long as you stand outside and peer through the window. He's
not giving up his recliner for nobody. 20. Lora and Eric will accompany you to view a fabulous
Indiana sunset, in case you, the Lucky Winner, have no clue which direction west is. Note that Lora &
Eric are still pretty much newlyweds, so you may have to
turn your head occasionally on this romantic occasion. 21. Lora also offers to introduce you to the ROMEOS at the Church Street Coffee House. That'd be the Retired Old Men Eating Out. (Of course, they are manly, Ms. Lucky Winner!) 22. Shelly will take you dancing at the American Legion, one of our liveliest nightspots. 23. Speaking of dancing, Molly will do a little dance for you behind the counter at the Coffeehouse. No, you stand on the other side. This one is rated G. 24. Marty will let you hold a nail while he hammers it in on one of the historic houses he's working on. 25. David will play you a harmonica tune. Possibly with guitar accompaniment, although that's kinda tricky. 26.
And finally on this initial public offering, our terrific New Harmony
School (K thru 12 all in one building, yep, really) is considering
offering you, the Lucky Winner, a gold star. Though they're still mulling that one over. You did turn your homework in today, didn't you??
MORE TO COME! STAY TUNED!
But
now you can see just what a thrilling time you'll have here! Wow! I
know, it's almost too much, isn't it? Well, that's just how we Utopians
are, always full of exciting ideas!
And we haven't even
mentioned the big party yet, even though that was the headline that
sucked you in. Maybe tomorrow we'll get around to that. See you then!
Bid early! Bid often! Thanks for your interest!
On Sep-04-09 at 07:09:01 PDT, seller added the following information:
... and MORE Enticements!!!
27. Kevin, Laura, and Scout offer chips and soda on the Pagoda.
Mostly because it rhymes, we suspect. And is easy. It'll be Double Cola or Ski soda,
and Grippos chips, the made-in-Indiana favorites!
28. Kenyon offers a real live luffa that he grew himself. Great
for scratching mosquito bites! Not that we have any mosquitoes here in Utopia
along the Wabash. Btw, Kenyon had the first and the biggest tomatoes in the Utopian
Community Garden this year. No clue what’s he’s feeding them when he sneaks over late
at night.
29. Rose offers a FREE TICKET to the pork chop dinner at the
Catholic Community Center. If you can’t make it to the Sept 19th
dinner, don’t worry---we’ll think of you as we lick our lips after we down your delicious chop.
30. The United Methodist Church, via Aunt Gayle, offers the
opportunity to sing in the choir. Even if you don’t have the voice of an angel.
New Harmony, we are happy to say, has six or seven lively churches, which at last
count was way ahead of the number of equally lively bars.
31. Chris, our friendly postmaster, offers a genuine
reproduction picture of John F. Kennedy that she found in some pile of stuff in
the back room at the post office. “It’s not framed,” she says, but we’re sure
a local carver can come up with a lovely vegetable holder for that pic.
32. RICK JOHNSON, head of the Ribeyre Gym Restoration Group,
offers a personal tour of the clock tower. "In daylight," he adds. Strange things have
been known to go on there at night. ooOOOooooo.....
33. Vera and Choppy offer a tour of the river trail, ending with
refreshments on the swing on their back porch, where you can admire the best
view in town of the Wabash and the bean fields. And! You can have your picture
taken with RICK JOHNSON, head
of the RGRG, and maybe some of the wonderful students of the RGRG. Yes,
it was our New H kids that started the movement to restore the gym!
(Hey, Rick, looks like your mom and dad are
keeping tabs on you.)
On Sep-04-09 at 13:59:42 PDT, seller added the following information:
Before
all of you REALLY HIGH BIDDERS ditch and run for the holiday weekend,
we figured we'd sweeten the deal by giving you a mouth-watering sample
of the Giant Celebration JUST FOR YOU when you somehow manage to get
yourself to New Harmony (STILL no word from Greyhound, can you believe
it??). Here's what we have in mind so far for the Zucchini Harvest
Festival, or, as we think of it (definitely not because our fingers are
sore from typing out the word so often),
THE ZUKE FEST!
First, we're thinking, we'll attempt to round up a UTOPIAN CHEERLEADING SQUAD
to make sure your arrival is as full of fanfare as you deserve! So far,
the only cheer they've been able to come up with is "ZUKE! ZUKE! ZUKE!"
but, hey, simple is good, right? By the way, we should point out that
although of course the Utopian Cheerleading Squad is open to both men
and women, as well as any zukes that want to join in on the high kicks,
it's mainly made up so far of the Womanly Women of New Harmony, who
have been waiting forever for an excuse to wear those cute white boots.
Then we're thinking you'll love the GENEROUS TRIUMPHANT WINNER PARADE, which you of course will lead or not.
Don't worry, we'll powerwash the farm implement you'll be riding on
before you climb aboard. Or at least brush off the worst of the dust.
We imagine the whole town will line the streets to get a good look at
the craz-, uh, at the GENEROUS HIGH BIDDER of our very own Zuke. Think
of it, riding a big John Deere, I mean, a FERRARI, through the bucolic
tree-lined streets lined with hundreds of your waving, happy, huzzahing
NEW FRIENDS! Does life get any sweeter? *rhetorical question, no need to answer*
After that, it's time to partake in a full day of entertainment!
We're thinking you might hand the "baton" (you'll never guess what it is) to the lead-off rider in the BICYCLE RELAY RACE.
After all, New Harmony is home of the Harmonie Hundred bike race every
year, in which scores of brightly clad cyclists do the Indiana version
of the Tour de France. But now YOU, yes, YOU, Lucky Winner, can give
them a run for their money!
While the cyclists puff their way across the flatlands at death-defying speeds, you'll be sitting pretty in the audience of the ZUCCHINI FASHION SHOW we might put
on. Men, women, children, dogs, horses *clops coconut halves*, catfish
and everyone else who wants to participate may prance across the stage
in their finest Zucchini Couture. Think "Project Runway," only better!
(Note to Wacko Ideas Committee: Or were we going to dress up zucchinis?
I forget) What's that, you say? No, no, I'm sure the element of
backbiting competition will not dent our utopian nature. As long as you
remember to give the prize to the person we wrote on that note we
slipped you before the contest.
After
the amazing display of Zuke Fashion, one of our genders may slip into
something more comfortable in order to take part in the next event. You
of course are welcome to compete, if you have the requisite equipment and if we actually do it. Taking a page from the Mr. Watermelon Belly contest at another festival, we may host the First Annual MR. ZUCCHINI CONTEST! All cameras confiscated at door.
After
all that excitement, we know you'll be ready for something a little
more low-key, so we may hold a seminar on the latest fad in Utopian New
Harmony: THE ALL-ZUCCHINI DIET. One of our renowned chemists we don't have any
says he has discovered a component in zucchini that magically erases
the caloric content of other foods eaten at the same meal. Just think,
you might be joining us in such breakfasts as bacon and eggs with Zuke
homefries, lunches of cheeseburgers and fries with Zuke pickles,
dinners of t-bones, loaded baked potatoes, and breaded deep-fried
Zukes, and of course snacks of triple-fudge ice cream sundaes with
julienned Zuke-stick garnish. Why
are we willing to consider sharing such top-secret info with you?
Because when it comes to honoring the Lucky Winner, our gratitude knows
no bounds! (Any ice cream left? Uh, thanks but no, I'm still good on
zucchini)
Then it's on to the hypothetical ZUKE CARVING CONTEST. Chainsaw optional, depending on size of entrant. And of course no promises,
the ZUKE TALL SHIPS RACE, ahh, those white sails on the Wabash (note to
self: research floatability of zukes), such a lovely sight at sunset!
After dark, it may be time for the Shredded Zucchini Wrestling, an event our younger generation may particularly enjoy if we have it. *gasp*SHREDDERS! NOT THAT ZUKE! THAT'S THE GI--, oh, nothing.
Of course you'll want to get a good night's sleep on your pallet at the Scholars House if it's available when you finally get here, because the next day of your visit will be jam-packed too if there is a visit! But right
now it's time to go over to the Utopian Community Garden, unplug the
POWER OF LOVE fence, crawl between the barbed wire, and water the GIANT
UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI!
Wish you were here! (these hoses are mighty heavy)
XXXOOO from your excited NEW FRIENDS in New Harmony! And, of course, from the GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI himself!
On Sep-05-09 at 07:11:40 PDT, seller added the following information:
... MORE FEST FESTIVITIES!
First
a few corrections: The Harmonie Hundred bike event is not a race. It's
a tour, at whatever pace you can manage. So don't worry about being
outclassed by those muscly types on their fancy bikes when they whizz
past your rusty Schwinn.
However,
the possible ZUKEFEST Bike Relay Race is a different story. There, it's
every man, woman, child, and zucchini for his/her/its self! Faster,
Zukes, pedal faster! You can do it!
Also,
we don't have have "6 or 7" churches here in New Harmony. We have
EIGHT. Yes, that's right, enough redemption even for the weasel who
wasn't gonna pay up, I mean, for the penitent retracted "unregistered"
bidder. All of them, of course, join the Giant Zuke in spreading the
wonderful message of love and kindness and forgiveness.
And,
no, it wasn't the churches that called this error to our attention. We
simply walked around town and counted because we want to include every
soul in town. (No, not to boost the numbers on the auction! What do you
take us for?!)
Now, on to FESTIVITIES! Here's some more of what we may have in store for you, the Lucky Winner!
We know all this talk about vegetables has made you hungry. So we're thinking of AUCTIONing
off the extra produce from the Utopian Garden, instead of setting it
out by the road with a "Free" sign. And YOU, Lucky Winner, might
get to hold up the produce while we auction it. Yes, of course, it is
prime stuff! No overgrown okra here! Huh-uh! *hides giant utopian okra
behind back*
One of our gourmet cooks maybe plans to cook up a BIG PAN OF PAELLA, baked gratin. What's so special about that? Well, if she does it it will be arranged in the shape of a labyrinth!
We love labyrinths here in New Harmony. Mostly because they keep our
Honored Guests stuck here for days til they manage to find their way
out. Not to worry! We toss extra Utopian Garden produce in to them
while they're going round. . . and round. . . and round.
Oh, now this one we KNOW will get you really excited! It's the GREAT ZUKES ROCKETTES! What a sight that will be if it happens! (We suggest you take a seat in teh back, Lucky Winner, in case any of our fine zukes loses his or her balance.)
Maybe you, the serious artist and Lucky Winner, have been to the New Harmony
Plein Air Paint Out, in which our town is graced with scores
of outdoor artists painting pastoral subjects at their easels. Such as PLEIN AIR GIANT UTOPIAN ZUKES.
Think of the settings! Giant Zuke by the clock. Zuke on the Wabash. Zuke posing
on a golf cart. Zuke in the Utopian Community Garden, working on his
cross-stitched Home Sweet Home sampler. *sob* Aw, the Zuke. We sure do love him.
We should have mentioned this one earlier, because it may take place right after the FASHION SHOW and MR. ZUCCHINI CONTEST. It's the ZUKE SINGLES MEET 'N' GREET!
What better place to meet your soulmate than right here in Utopia?
Think of the heartwarming story you can share with your
children-to-come, when they ask, "How did you and (insert Mom or Dad
here) meet?"
Then there's the ZUKE TRACTOR PULL. Or maybe LITTLE RED WAGON PULL, depending on the final size the Giant Zuke clocks in at.
And
our fabulous Rappites, which is what we call our sports teams at New
Harmony School in honor of Father Rapp, who founded our town, may even hold a ZUKES VS. CUKES VOLLEYBALL GAME!
Go, Rappites, go! We hear they may also be working on festive tee
shirts so that you can have a wonderful memento of your moment of
glory. Just so you understand your actual place in history, we feel we
should tell you that one of the possible designs says "I'm with Zuke."
Will there be more maybe we'll do them FESTIVITIES to come? Stay tuned! (Hey, who was supposed to refill the coffeepot? We've run dry again)
On Sep-05-09 at 16:33:48 PDT, seller added the following information:
Believe it or not, WE'RE NOT JOKING
Not in this part, anyway. (That's why the Very Serious font.)
If
you intend to place a bid on the Giant Utopian Zuke, and you are a
brand-new eBayer with zero feedback, we ask that you contact the Zuke
Keeper (a.k.a. "Seller") first, via eBay, to establish your reputation
as a good person who actually intends to pay for your prize.
No,
we don't need to see your bank statement; we just want to assure
ourselves that you're for real and not just taking auction fun a little
too far.
A few zero-feedback bidders have already bid, and if you're one of them, no need to worry or to contact us.
But from here on out, if any new zero-feedback bidders appear, unless you get in touch with us first, we'll be contacting you to determine the validity of your bid, and/or canceling it if we have any doubts.
To contact us before you bid as a new eBayer with zero feedback, just "Ask seller a question" or "contact the seller."
"Feedback"
by the way, is your report card from previous transactions; it's that
number behind your eBay name. You may note that ours is 100% positive,
which means we've kept our word on every transaction we've ever made.
We hope you will, too.
Thanks
for all of us here in Zucchini Land, and a great big thanks to eBay for
their wonderful help with this auction. You guys have been terrific!
On Sep-05-09 at 17:32:05 PDT, seller added the following information:
HOW BIG IS THIS THING???
Here it is, Friends, Fans, and Happy Utopian Servants of the GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI!
The moment we've all been waiting for!
What
a pleasure to brag, er, we mean, SHARE with you what we've been up to
today. The crowing, um, crowning moment was when we actually managed to
stop procrastinating and actually MEASURE THE ZUKE.
(Flashback) *cue
sappy music* Dawn just breaking as we trek out to the patch to
force-feed, er, serve the Giant Zuke his usual 5,000-calorie breakfast
of hot waffles with genuine New Harmony honey.
Then, shooing away the crowds of adoring fans and paparazzi from outside the Power of Love electrified barbed-wire fence, we leave the Zuke in peace so that he can enjoy a leisurely nap. (At least we think he's napping; he's one inscrutable Zuke.)
*sounds
of cheerful babbling brook* We let the hose trickle so that genuine New
Harmony water can refresh the Zuke and perhaps improve his already
impressive stature while he snores happily and utopianly. (Hey! Where's
the Miracle-Gro? Don't tell me we went through that 10-gallon bucket
already!)
*creaking
gate noise* When the Zuke awakes in a good mood, we open the fence
*YEOW! Turn this thing off, will ya!* and let in the autograph seekers.
*stampeding crowd*
*stampeding
crowd running opposite direction* The Giant Zuke is not quite as serene
as we had thought. (If your loved one hasn't come home yet from his or
her pilgrimage to the Giant Zuke, please let us know! We'll try to,
ahem, "piece together" what happened.)
*beep-beep-beep* The forklift arrives to deliver the Zuke's afternoon snack, a 100-pound slab of fine Belgian, er, genuine suuure it is
NEW HARMONY chocolate. (Set up the chocolate factory facade! Hurry!
Just hang a "Closed" sign on the door, they'll never know there's
nothing in there.)
We heave the slab into the Patch. *slavering noises*
While
the Zuke is placated (chocolate stupor, more like), we whip out the
measuring tape. (Who's got the measuring tape?? You were supposed to
bring it! No, you! Huh, it was in my pocket after all)
We quickly memorize the numbers of each dimension of glorious Zukedom with our razor-sharp middle-aged brains.
We hurry back to tell the Zuke's curious fans exactly how big he is (and still over 40 hours to grow!).
The GIANT UTOPIAN ZUCCHINI is EXACTLY *vast intake of collective breath*......
Hm.
Not quite as razor sharp as we'd thought. The only measurement we
manage to remember is his truly impressive girth. Which you'll find
below, in the Q&A. (Note brilliant use of annoying cliffhanger
technique to build suspense!)
