Here's Paul Anka losing his mind after a gig in the mid 70's. His tirade is a result of a band member wearing a t-shirt on stage, missed light cues, and sloppy performing. Listen closely as he reminds his band members that he's "the most important one on that stage."

Caution! This is loaded with profanity. After listening, check out the entrance exam to join the Paul Anka band and a rare Paul Anka record collection.

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Entrance Exam for Membership in Paul Anka's Band

Please mark your answers clearly with a #2 Pencil. You will have exactly one hour to complete this test, 30 minutes for the multiple choice section and 30 minutes for the essay or "free response" portion. Use your time wisely. Incorrect answers will be counted against your score.

1. Which of the following do you believe would constitute acceptable upper-body clothing on stage?

a) Dress is strictly come-as-you-are

b) T-shirts are acceptable

c) F*cking T-shirts are acceptable

d) No upper-body clothing is necessary; Mr. Paul Anka only requires that your genitals be at least partially covered

e) The guys get shirts

2. Hypothetically, suppose you are the pilot of a plane. You wish to land your aircraft safely. What do you look at?

a) The instruments only

b) The f*cking runway, to make sure it's f*cking there

c) Both A & B

d) Mr. Paul Anka, to see if his arms are raised to indicate the cut-off to the song I'm Not Anyone

e) All of the above

3. Mr. Paul Anka says he wants ideas from the band. What do you think this might mean?

a) That he wants ideas from the band

b) That he doesn't want any f*cking ideas, he wants to know what went wrong and how to fix it

4. Who are you watching?

a) Joe

b) Graham

c) John

d) that guy the other night that cost Mr. Paul Anka twenty or thirty f*cking grand because he was short labor and the crew got f*cked

e) Mr. Paul Anka

5. Suppose Mr. Paul Anka informs you he wants something done a certain way. Which of the following do you believe is an acceptable alternative to Mr. Paul Anka's way?

a) any way-- Mr. Paul Anka promotes an atmosphere of freewheeling improvisation

b) any way that gets the job done-- Mr. Paul Anka rewards creativity when combined with discipline

c) Joe's way

d) Vinny Falcone's way

e) "the highway"

6. Who is the only important one on that stage?

a) Graham

b) John

c) "the Trombone Player"

d) We're all equally important

e) Mr. Paul Anka

7. In what sense is the band important?

a) in every sense

b) in almost all important senses

c) in most senses

d) in some senses

e) the band is only important "in the totality" -- Mr. Paul Anka is the only important one on that stage

8. A Three Part Question. For each question, assume Mr. Paul Anka gives you a job.

i. Do you like your job?

a) Yes

b) No

ii. Well, do you want to keep your job?

a) Yes

b) No

iii. Well f*cking answer me. Do you?

a) Yes

b) No

9. Which of the following attributes do you feel it is most important for a bandmember to possess?

a) heart

b) substance

c) character

d) "conscious"

e) all of the above

10. Which of the following persons would most likely be deemed "indispensible" by Mr. Paul Anka?

a) "a promoter in the theater"

b) "the lighting guys"

c) "C.J. Powell"

d) Jesus Christ

e) None of the Above

11. Another Three-Part Question:

i. Do you understand where Mr. Paul Anka is coming from with integrity?

a) Yes

b) No

ii. Do you understand that's just the mood he's in? The f*cking integrity-kick he's on?

a) Yes

b) No

iii. I'm not going to put up with this shit. Do you f*cking understand that or not?

a) Yes

b) No

12. Assume hypothetically you become a member of Mr. Paul Anka's band. Your checks do not bounce; furthermore, you get full value on your money. Which of the following would you say best describes the level of your commitment to Mr. Paul Anka?

a) Just take the money and don't give a f*cking shit about anything, because you've got no conscious, no heart, and no substance

b) Tell Mr. Paul Anka "I don't care," then finish the tour and and then you're gone

c) Support Mr. Paul Anka with all of the enthusiasm he's got for it

d) Give Mr. Paul Anka "full value" on your service

e) Both C & D

13. Again assume hypothetically that you are a member of Mr. Paul Anka's band. You've just finished a show, and Mr. Paul Aka feels that there is "a lot of loose shit going on here." At the subsequent post-mortem, what should you not offer Mr. Paul Anka?

a) "intelligent input"

b) "some f*cking knowledge"

c) "intelligent f*cking answers"

d) "integrity"

e) "confusion"

ANALOGIES. For Questions 14 and 15, select the answer which contains the word-pair which most closely shares the same relationship as the given word-pair.

14. SUSTENANCE : EATING A NUTRITIOUS MEAL ::

a) exercise: swimming in a quiet lake

b) triumph: defeating an important rival

c) serenity: watching a peaceful sunset

d) transportation: riding an express train

e) satisfaction: reaming your f*cking ass

15. PAINT : RENAISSANCE ARTIST ::

a) love : beautiful woman

b) sing : difficult song

c) learn : young pupil

d) laugh : practical joke

e) slice : f*cking hammer

(End of multiple-choice section. Please check your work on this section until the proctor instructs you to begin the free-response portion of the exam.)

....

You may now begin the free-response portion of the exam.

Free-Response Question: You will have thirty minutes to write essays in response to the following two propositions.

Proposition One: That's Just. The Way. It f*cking. Is.

Do you agree with this proposition? If so, why? If not, why not?

Proposition Two: You should make a f*cking maniac out of Mr. Paul Anka.

What do you believe this proposition means? Do you agree or disagree with this proposition? Defend your response, drawing on your own reading or experiences for support.

EXTRA CREDIT: You may gain points by providing a thoughtful response to the following question:

Where's Joe?

...

PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN.

DID YOU F*CKING HEAR ME? WHAT DID I SAY?

YOU'RE ALL ON F*CKING NOTICE.